Who Am I Painting For?!?

I finished a painting last week and I was tickled with how it made me smile. I did acknowledge within myself that the concept could have been pushed much further. I am headed home to the Cayman Islands in a week after what seems like and eternal summer and I am looking forward to having a bit more space to move around in. I plan on moving the concept further and on a much larger scale. I can see that trying to paint in a little summer trailer has many disadvantages but I have had to work with the space I’ve got. There is no other option right now until I can manifest something bigger and better and believe me I am working on that!

So…it got me to thinking. Who exactly and I painting for? For me of course but its a trickier mind f#ck than that. When painting I feel in the zone…content and happy. Going with the flow as they say. When it’s over and I share my work online I am immediately aware of judgement. I don’t like that. I don’t paint for you, I paint for me. So why do I feel so embarrassed having people looking at my work? I have had 7 pieces in a gallery for the past 5 months and I was so relieved to be out of the country so I couldn’t hear any feedback. I have imagined all kinds of things that people may have said while looking at my work. Not much of it good. Why are we so hard on ourselves?

My monkey mind takes over and chatters away in my head. “Why don’t you just try to be normal…why don’t you want to paint landscapes and boats and normal stuff?” “Why can’t you just try to be more like everyone else?” I answer myself “I don’t know! I’ll try! I’ll try to rein it in and make something pretty, maybe some flowers or a bird?” Then off to work I go.

Yesterday I began a painting loosely based on Frida Khalo…”Yeah” I said to my self “I’ll paint a Frida and maybe I’ll be more normal. Everybody paints Frida…it’s cool!”

So I started drawing her out and blocking her in. I struggled and took a look at Pinterest for a while. Then I ate something. Then I watched a ghost hunting show. Then I talked on Messenger with one of my daughters all the while peeking back at her in the stage you see her and wondering what the heck to do next! I DON’T LIKE HER and I can see that she is looking at me and taunting me to let loose and do something else to her. So I slept on it last night and I have decided to put her in my suitcase and bring to the island with me and work on her there. One things for sure, she won’t look like she does now and she might even get painted over. She’s taught me a huge lesson today….I don’t paint for you….I paint for me! I don’t give a crap what people really think of what I’m doing and there is a TON of freedom in that! Thanks for teaching me that FRIDA!

I Am Not Frida!

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